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A Loving Mother

A Loving Mother

You’re beating an already battered victim.

This is why I’ve been absent for awhile.

Now I want my truth told. I want the truth out.

That quote should be enough said.. But its not. Nothing ever is, unless you’re one of them..

***I was told to delete this. But idgaf.***

My children are beautiful, aren’t they? That was recent. I missed Christmas with them. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Even my youngest turning 2….

There’s a difference between a mother not being able to ever see her children again, and a mother not being allowed to see them. One, more painful than the other, perhaps, but to a mother, her pain is exactly the same to the others. Theres something to be said about a mothers love, but then it makes you wonder if it was ever enough. So many ‘what ifs’ pile up, and ‘why me’s’ start to form. “That is my child(children)” we say. But do they listen to the pleas? Or is the sound of a growing wallet more appealing? Of course itd be. No one wants to listen to the cries of their mistakes.. Or face the darkness in their hearts..

Married life wasn’t the best for me. I was forced to keep to myself, lose contact with my family, never have a friend, or even learn how to drive. I was made to believe his abuse was my fault by his family, and made to believe that I’m a terrible mother.

But that wasnt true. I am a damn good mother. Except no one believes me. Because that would mean they were wrong about me. And no matter who you are, nobody likes to be wrong.

It all started August 18, 2017. Well, more like ended then started again. One thing ended but another problem arose shortly after. No surprise there. Seems to be the story of my life. Anyways, on the 18th, I broke the cycle.

I just got off work that morning after a 12 hour shift on an overnight. I wanted to rest, and told my husband. He was already up that morning. Usually isn’t. And I was given a ride home by a coworkers parent. Well, he didnt like that very much, and started yelling at me. He accused me of some untrue things and continued bashing into it. I finally had enough. Five years of the same damn argument finally got the best of me. I told him to drop it and that we are not doing this again. Especially in front of the children. He didn’t care. He proceeded by kicking our stand alone cupboard and knocking off knives and utensils i purposfully placed up very high on top of it so the kids wouldnt be able to reach it, and they flattered to the floor. I told him to stop and he took my phone, smashed it against a light switch and wall. I tried to get it back but he pushed me off. He then eyed the internet box. I went after it, because I’d be damned if I’m cut off from the world because i wasnt about to stay there anymore. He grabbed my arm and shoved me back, took the box and smashed it too. I screamed at him to stop. But then he wrapped his arms around me and shoved me against the wall and said I will never leave him, so I started kicking trying to get free. My kids were scared they were screaming for daddy to stop hurting mommy. He started choking me and I swung my fist right in his eye and took my knee right up his crotch. He dropped me. I started to go towards my kids to put them in their rooms, and he grabbed my hoodie and grabbed my arm, and starting dragging me towards the front door. I kicked and screamed. I knocked over the rocking chair trying to get free. He opened the door and i could see giant red rocks placed right over the ledge near the cement stairs. He picked me up and tossed me outside. My head barely missed those rocks, but not my thigh. It became bruised almost immediately about the size of a 6 inch oblong shape. It hurt but I didnt waste any time. He was shutting the door and I bolted up the steps. I wasnt about to leave him alone with MY children. I busted through the door then he looked at me calmly. He said “what are you doing? Sweetie, why are you so angry?” I scoffed and said “really? You attacked me!” Then he proceeded to deny it and claimed he didnt remember doing any of it, that I did it all. That i broke my own phone. That I hurt myself. I told him to leave. Because im not staying in that craziness for another minute. He left then came back with a phone. Inactivated. No internet box to even set it up. He tried to apologize but i told him to leave again because im packing my shit and ill be gone. I dug in the closet and found our old internet box and plugged it in. By miracle, it worked, when not so long ago we had to replace that one due to it not working anymore. I activated the phone, and called everyone I knew. At least everyone I thought could help me. Coworkers that promised to help me before in the past when they started noticing my bruises from him previously. One girl came over and helped me call the police and file a report. Another girl came over and helped me pack my stuff. I only packed some of my things like a few notebooks table, and a single outfit. I took all of my kids stuff except for one bed and a giant toy box. But I did grab most of thier toys. She asked where i wanted to go. I told her the one who usually gets me rides home from work because he amd his mom offered me a safe place to go if the abuse ever got out of hand. I took thier offer.

My husband got arrested two or 3 days later claiming i kidnapped our children. But the cops were already aware of the situation.

On August 29, i was paid a visit by cops. Appearantly it was alleged that i neglected my kids and that the person who tipped them off had numerous witnesses. And since the kids were clean, fed and happy, they knew that wasnt the case. So instead they started looking around the house saying it was alleged that I do drugs. Since that wasnt true, they started nit picking at the little messes from the kids around the house. Such as thier breakfast they were eating and a paper mess from my youngest shredding one of my notebooks. All of sudden they said oh, well this isn’t a safe place for your kids, youre endangering them and thier lives. This place is messy. Then, they gave me 3 options.

  1. I can leave and go to a shelter with my kids, or
  2. They can take my kids while I find a new place, or
  3. They can just arrest me and take my kids.

Obviously i picked the first one. But as I was waiting on the cab to get from cameron to Hamilton, because he had to drop someone off first, the cop said to the other officer with her. “no. I’m not waiting. Arrest her and take the kids.”

I took that to court. I fought it. But since they changed what happened in thier report, i lost. They claimed I refused to leave with my kids. They claimed I tried to attack them. I had 3 witnesses saying otherwise. One, of which, was a city employee. The cab. So he had no reason to lie for anyone or to anyone. Yet, it wasnt believed. I got convicted of 3rd degree misdemenor in endangering the welfare of my children with 2 years probation.

That was in August.

I’ve been battling to see my children since then. I’ve done everything they have ever asked to get my kids back.

I ran into a few snagfoos with them, however. One time they called me in to do a UA but she knew my schedule and knew I would be asleep at that time. So I missed it, but i also thought it was weird that my phone never rang. My friend would have surely woke me up if he heard it and i hadn’t. So I apologized to them. Then on another day i was using my phone, and a voicemail icon popped up out of nowhere on my phone. I called it, and it was a voicemail from them from just moments ago. My phone never rang. Nothing is wrong with my phone. They wanted me to do a UA. I called them back and assured them I’d be there. They said great, but I also told them that i don’t have the $15 until I get paid in a few days and asked if that’d be ok. They said no. And that if i don’t pay the money then i can’t test and if i don’t test they are going to write me down as a refusal to comply. In return, I offered to do a blood test that would give them more than what they needed to know. A wider range would have been covered but they said no, that it doesn’t work that way.

Then, i was late to one meeting. ONE. Because she called me, the caseworker, and told me the meeting would be at the Hamilton office but really it was at the P.D.

Before that, I missed an entire meeting because she told me it’d be at the Hamilton office. I called when she was late and she stated I’ll be there in a moment. 2 hours passed then she called and told me that since I didnt show up at our meeting in cameron that she marked me down as refusal to comply.

Then, in december we had a set date to visit. The 11th. The next day she changed it to the 18th. Well on the 12th she called and said she wrote me down as refusal to comply once again for missing the meeting on the 11th. I told her that i have the emails still saying she changed it and she said well i didnt. Would you like me to print off a calendar for you that you might actually understand? I told hee no thank you I have one.

On a most recent day I had a meeting set up with her and told her that I’m going to be there I will just have to find a ride. Well, i get there and she tells her boss that i refused to come. Her boss showed me these ’emails’ then I showed her my emails. Her boss exclaimed, well she didn’t show me these ones…

In november, she told me to get a family guidance mental health assessment and see what they say. Just because I was abused as a child, even tho I already did counseling and therapy for it for 5 years. I asked what would happen depending on what they say. She said if they believe I need help, then she will direct me towards midtown psych. I completed and passed family guidance with flying colors. She scrunched her nose and said “I still want you to go to kansas city for their evaluation. If all goes well you can see your kids.” So I went to that. Passed. Then, at court this January of 2018, she told the judge I wasnt trying. And since I didnt wind up in therapy like she had hoped that I shouldn’t see my kids. They took away my visitation rights that i never even got to use and gave them to my husband and my daughters bio dad. Granted, her bio dad ditched us right after she was born. Hasn’t seen her since, not ever messaged me about her, or even asked to see her, not once since 2012. But now he is father of the year. He gets to see her, but not me. He claims that i kept him from her. When I didnt.

And its bad enough that during one of our meeting between me and the caseworker she had stated that she believed my husband over me, because “he doesn’t lie” and claimed that my abuse was alleged and untrue. I asked her if she read the police report and she stated “it didn’t look that bad. Honestly it seems like you blew it out of proportion.”

So now im stuck. In doing everything they want, but it’ll never be enough.. Ill continue doing it, but if it doesn’t work, then I need a lawyer. I failed to get one for my charge, and you see where that led me… Ill be damned if i make that same mistake. But working fast food, minimum wage, idk who can, or will be willing to help me…

Am i destined to fail?

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Posted by on January 11, 2018 in Who Am I?

 

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Who Am I?

I am a stay at home mom, who follows my dream of being an author. Without any success of support, I learned that the only person I need is myself. I have two beautiful children, only two years apart. I started my family young unintentionally. I am super happy that I have. I am only 21, and discovered I could no longer bear anymore children.

I sat down one day and let the realization set in. I reflected upon my past and remembered one christmas when my grandmother handed me my fist notebook and pen. She told me, “Write my stories,” because when ever since I was eight years old, I loved telling her stories that popped up in my head. So I followed her instructions, and never looked back.

As I pondered my future, I noticed I almost forgot my ultimate dream. To become a best selling author. Even though, I am not, I never gave up the dream. I still hold true to that. I figured, “I am happy with the two children I was blessed with, even though I dreamt of having a big family. So I will write, and the characters will be my family as well.”

I am always getting into disputes with my in laws, about how writing is just a “hobby”, and I need to just stop being lazy and get a “real” job. I told them, “Last time I checked, you don’t get paid for doing a hobby.”

They still told me, that the pocket change I was only making, is not good enough, and that I need to get my head out of the clouds and throw away this gamble.

I look at them all, many times with teary eyes, and tell them to not bring me down.

Soon after I realized that I was alone on my endeavors. I did not have any friends, as I am an introvert, and searched far for any that would accept me.

There is a light to the end of this tunnel. I found a group of writers on facebook, that like me, faced the same challenges as me.

I wasn’t alone anymore, and when I asked them, “Did you ever give up on your dream, when others told you to do so?”

They just laughed and said with a chime, “I don’t care what others tell me to do. I know who I am, and who I want to be. No one will ever deter me from my dream.”

Many nights, I cried myself to sleep, feeling torn from myself, until I was able to find people who went through what I went through.

 

If you are looking for support, or feel the way I did, or just have questions about self publishing, please check out this group, Indie Author Group The title is the link to the facebook page. 

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2015 in Posts by Author, Who Am I?

 

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